Being alone is not that lonely

I felt lonely today, and I don't have a good reason why. I just felt lonely. It was very unusual and strange. It was like I needed someone else to be here, not for any good reason other than to not be alone. I spend most of my time alone. When I lived with other people I didn't really hang out a lot. I did pretty much what I do now, but I've noticed things lately.

I spend more time at work than I have to. I've seen and visited patients that I didn't have to. I've seen several patients in the hospital who I'm not taking care of. I just did it because I felt like I should. This sounds very... altruistic, but it's not for them. I know that, if I am willing to be truthful. It's for me.

If you get lonely enough, you find yourself doing things like that. You seek out human contact just because you want someone else to be there. I'll admit that I have a hard time with it sometimes.

And it's not even the standard 'I'm alone in the world and no one will ever love me' deal going on. It's just this feeling in my life that I need some human contact more meaningful than what I'm getting.

Sometimes, I wish that I still lived at home with my mom. I get along well with my mom and I miss hanging out sometimes. She can be frustrating and difficult at times, but you know, that's mothers for you. And I know this sounds so trite, but what I'm looking for in a woman isn't too different from my mom. I want someone who's not me, who has opinions and is outspoken and driven and never afraid to get her hands dirty, but still needs someone to hook up her answering machine.

So anyway, I called my mom and left her a message. I wonder if when I have kids and they're all grown up, I'll get random messages on my voicemail.

1 comment:

wyn157 said...

hey you, i think that in a way we *all* have that connection to "home," regardless of how often we see our family.

oh but i don't suggest telling any potential girlfriends that you want someone like your mom! that'd be one hell of a mistake. :p