Rules for interns

Reading through LVT's recent intern experiences, I realized that there are some basic rules for interns that everyone should know once they start. So, before you start on July 1, here's some basic house rules:

(1) DON'T FUCK YOUR PATIENTS! DON'T! DON'T DO IT! DO NOT FUCK YOUR PATIENTS!

(2) Become very familiar with IV and IM haldol. Your new best friend.

(3) If the nurse is freaking out, came down. All is right with the world. Would you freak out if the fire alarm goes off? No. Be glad that the system works.

(4) If the nurse is calm, be very very worried, because now you must ask yourself the following question: why is she paging me at 3AM if it's not a problem?

(5) House of God is required reading.

(6) The proper way to determine if your fellow interns are sane: ask them if they've read House of God. If they've read the book and do not immediately quote a law from the book, I would seriously question their sanity.

(7) If you have a competent senior resident, and he tells you to do something, YOU DO IT. I don't care how insane it seems.

(8) You can determine if your senior is competent using the same intern sanity test (rule #6).

(9) If you need to practice intubations or need a case for M&M conference, then ativan is your friend. If you like your patients alive, be careful with your ativan use.

(10) The greatest crime you can commit is not asking how to do something. That's fine. The greatest crime is asking how to do something twice. If you do this, your senior may freely hit you several times.

That's a pretty good start.

6 comments:

glorified midwife said...

can we fuck our med students?

the evil resident said...

according to the mandatory sexual harrasment training at my institution, no. as they say, your mileage may vary.

incidental findings said...

Don't med students already generate enough trouble without the sex?

the evil resident said...

you could look at it this way: since they cause so much trouble anyway, why not have the sex? actually, I looked closely at the sexual harassment guidelines, and, technically, you can have sex with med students, so long as you're not in any position to evaluate them. (meaning I missed my chance. just kidding.)

TigerLily46 said...

One of my friends was telling me that her senior walked around with her to check her orders on her patients. That is totally not what my experience has been like. I feel like I have been thrown into the deep end of the pool and I barely know how to dog paddle. What was your frist week of internship like? I feel like I'm learning, but I don't know what is going on most of the time. It sucks.

the evil resident said...

Don't worry, that was pretty much all of my intern year. Somehow it all works out in the end.