I feel pretty good today, and I don't have any reason to be so happy. It was yucky outside. The neurology service looks to be... messy. And all in all, it was certainly not the best day I've had. Still, I feel pretty good right now, and maybe it's because I'm confronting things in my life that I've always viewed as internal problems. You know, I've always viewed everything wrong in my life as a deficit, a weakness, a failing. I've never really entertained the possibility that problems in my life may not be within my power to control. How's that for a shocker. And I have every right to be angry with life about that stuff, but as far as hating myself goes, there's not a lot of ammunition there.
I felt so good today that I didn't even entertain the idea of going to student health to see someone for depression. If in one week I can accept that I am a good person, I don't hate myself as much as I thought I did, and that I have every right to be frustrated with my life, and that certain things are beyond my control, then I'm in the fucking home stretch. I'm not trying to be cheerful anymore. I'm trying to be me. I'm trying to be outwardly true to my internal feelings. As I told S, positive steps. Moving in the proper direction. I may not be moving fast or far, but I'm pointed the right way, and that's more than I can say for the last 4 years of my life.
I really wish that I could meet someone to share my life with, not in some grandiose sense, but I wish that I had someone to open up my life to. And not having such a person in my life has been handicapping, because it makes the hard times harder, and it dulls the good times. Friendship is a boat that can only take you so far. I'm not expecting to be married in a year or any such nonsense. I'm simply saying that it would be nice to meet someone that I could trust with my heart. You know, I've spent so much time guarding it, protecting it, keeping it locked away from danger. I just would like the chance to love.
That's an absurd or outrageous desire. It's basic. It's what we all want. And if I can't find what I want here, then it's perfectly reasonable to find somewhere that can accommodate my desires. If no one within 50 miles of this city can appreciate who I am and find in me something special, then I want nothing to do with this city and I'm ready to move the fuck on, because I think it's not an absurd thing to say that I am special and that I have a myriad of good qualities, and that the only absurd thing is that it has been so hard in this damn city to find a woman that would even entertain the notion of dating me. What a load of shit. I'm ready to move today. I should've moved a long time ago.