You can't go back

I met a 1st year medical student and it was very strange meeting someone who's so far back in the process I started what seems like a lifetime ago. I can barely remember being a 1st year, but what I do remember is with some fondness. I miss it.

Well, to be fair, I don't miss the stuff that happened as much as I miss the stuff that I thought would happen, if that makes any sense. I thought that med school would fix all the problems in my life, much like I thought high school and college would.

I thought that my life would enter a new phase and that things would be different, and I even tried to be different. I acted all extroverted and put myself out there, and expected some reward for my troubles. I got rewarded all right. My friends I'm sure recall with some chagrin that emotionally I did pretty badly in my 4 years of med school. And part of that was setting myself up for failure. My expectations were too high.

If you asked me the day before first year where I thought I'd be right now in my life, I honestly thought I'd be married by now. Really. Part of me still has a hard time believing that I'm so very far away from anything resembling marriage. I thought that I would find meaning and fulfillment, but that too seems rather intangible.

Maybe I'm too idealistic in this whole matter of my life. I have a lot of rules, as my friends enjoy to point out. Maybe too many rules. And I have to wonder if maybe not having so many rules would move things forward instead of stagnating.

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