The things you miss

I had one heck of a call night. And then I was rounding post-call. I barely crawled out of the hospital. Every attending and resident that saw me could see that I had about 20 minutes before I collapsed in a heap. My attending kept trying to send me home, but there was so much to do, and I just couldn't let it go.

And when I got home, it was kind of strange. I felt fine. I watched a bunch of TV that I recorded and that was it. I cooked, cleaned a little, went to bed. It was like nothing had happened.

But since that call, I've had a weird feeling. I dunno what sparked this off, but I'm very lonely all of a sudden. I feel like I'm running on empty and that my life is incomplete, and I know why. I give out the same advice and it applies to me too: you need to separate your life and your career. For me, I have no such separation. My job is me. I don't do anything else. My life is otherwise empty.

It's not that I'm bored, and it's not that I don't have hobbies. It's just that at the end of the day, there's nothing in my life giving me any fulfillment. It's empty and meaningless. I actually look forward to the hospital because it's purposeful. It's more meaningful than playing on my gameboy and thinking about buying Pokemon Emerald and maybe a Nikon D70 while I'm in the store.

I'll admit, I enjoy what I do. I enjoy helping patients and trying to do what's right. But that's not my whole life, is it? I keep wishing that there was more to my life. I wish I had love and fulfillment. I wish I had something to push me forward other than earning a living. There's a time in life when all you're looking for is someone who gets you. That time for me is now.

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