So, sometimes, I get terrible insomnia. And now it's 3AM and I can't sleep. I'm smoking cigarettes, thinking about a beer, wondering if I can get someone to write me some Ambien tomorrow. But it's not noise or pain or anything obvious causing my insomnia. It's that I can't stop thinking.
I'm thinking about this patient in his 90's who I intubated, and I was literally begging his son not to make me do this. Or the little old lady who I was doing CPR on, and I could hear each rib snapping under my hands. I was thinking about the 40 something mother of two who I've admitted for the fourth time for complications from chemotherapy. I'm thinking about a potassium of 2.7, and how I only gave 40mEq orally and added 20 mEq in the IV fluids, but maybe I needed to give more.
I can't let it go sometimes. I leave the hospital, and thinking about my own life is so unattractive that I'd rather think about whether I should've added a second antibiotic to cover anaerobes.