friend: C'mon, there are some single girls in the program, you know... we need to have something to gossip about.
me: No, I'm not interested. I thought about it, but no.
friend: Are you sure? That would be a good match, I think.
me: No. Really, I thought about it, and no. I don't think we match at all.
friend: You say that like there's a specific person...
me: You and I both know that you're referring to a specific person.
friend: Well, just for fun... to get the ball rolling!
me: How would going out with someone I'm not interested in be fun?
friend: You can't say then that you don't have opportunities.
me: Quite honestly, I think I have conceded defeat.

My social life has come to a somewhat of a screeching halt. I was dating a bit in my intern year, but not since then, and not without some opportunities, as my friend was apt to point out. I've actually had women had expressed this sort of vague interest in me.

The problem is that I was not interested at all in these women. And it's not entirely me trying to date thin, attractive, chesty, blond 19 year olds. It's just that I can't talk to these women. It's a one sided conversation. There's no spark, no chemistry.

The arguments that I should 'have fun' and date 'just to do something' have been made to me, several times by multiple people in fact. But I can't bring myself to do it. I can't see wasting two people's time and money on a venture destined for failure. And I've done the leg work. I've talked to these women, had some legitimate conversations, but all going nowhere.

Even worse for me is that there are girls who I am interested in, but for the most part, they want nothing to do with me for one reason or another. This is not necessarily for malicious reasons, mind you, but boyfriends, fiancés, husbands, lesbian, or (the most dreaded) a patient.

I used to believe quite honestly that this whole nice guy routine was an effort that would pay off in the end, but I see now that being a 'nice guy' has really very little to do with dating. I mean, of course, it has an affect, but there are a variety of factors conspiring against me. For your pleasure, I will list them.

  1. I am Asian in the heart of the Midwest. I am, quite literally, the only Asian person whom most people around me know. I am a curio. I am not dating material for the same reason that you don't have a spot picked out for hanging up a Picasso: you've never considered the possibility of owning a Picasso. Similarly, women I've asked out display not contempt or disdain or even scorn, but surprise at the thought of an Asian boy asking her out. How can this be?

  2. I am, essentially, a hermit by nature. I don't enjoy going to clubs or bars or large social gatherings. I hate meeting new people, and like most introverts, such events are draining rather than 'fun.' I'd rather work. And like most hermits, my friends are also hermits, and we connect infrequently. I have tried to expand my social circle. I have reconnected with some friends. But all in all, I still would rather sit at home reading a book than go clubbing.

  3. I am seriously out of shape. I need to lose some weight, yo.

  4. My standards just might be bordering on ridiculous. What I want in a woman is not a trophy wife. I want someone smart and intelligent (not the same thing...), classy and graceful, eccentric and funny, with interests and passions. Now if this woman were to be 19, blond, and chesty, I wouldn't complain at all. But I've met a lot of women who were physically stunning, and mentally vapid. That's not what I want.

  5. I am tremendously shy. I am. What can I say. I've tried to be more 'open' but I'm pretty shy still.

  6. Apparently, I come off as mean. This will be a whole nother post at some time.

So, for now at least, I've given up on romance. I have other things that I'm worrying about, and it's not that I'm all sobbing about it like in med school. I'm not all 'woe is me, I'll never find true love. Boo hoo!' bullshit. But my life does feel palpably empty, like something is missing, and I don't really know what to do about that.


SuperStenoGirl said...

You sound like a male version of me, except for being Asian which I'm not.

Hermit - check.
Out of shape - double check.
High standards - check, check, check.
Shy - Can we say anxiety attack?
Mean - ok no. I come off as a snob.

Why would white girls be stunned about an Asian boy asking them out? No idea. Here though, it's generally because a lot of the Asian guys stick to their group. They get bugged about dating white girls so they often times ignore them. That and a good portion of them can't speak English or speak broken English so if they do ask a white girl out 9/10 times she says no for that fact. Sad, stupid, but at least for this area - true.

Hermit life is okay though - you can do what you want when you want, within reason of course. And you don't have to worry about potentially cleaning up after your significant other.

As for feeling empty though - yea that's about where I am at the moment. As nice as it is to not have to clean up after someone or worry about them, I definitely miss it and wish I could just find ONE nice single guy with his head screwed on right. But, he seems to be a figment of my imagination - at least in this part of the world :(

TigerLily46 said...

It's all fun and games until you make out with someone and he doesn't call the next day. Dating is not fun. It's like job interviews with cocktails. We're all basically infants when it comes to this kind of thing. We spent years busting our asses in school, only to find out the real work starts in residency. Who has time to develop some sort of game with an 80 hour per week schedule? Not to mention the fact that many of our conversations start out with, "I had this patient today who..." I'm giving up for a little while. I'm tired enough as it is.

Anonymous said...

word... I could almost use copy and paste your post as my own about how I feel about this thing called dating..

Demented M said...

I think Asian men are very goodlooking. You're selling yourself short. Dating isn't hard because of who you are, it's just inherently difficult no matter who's involved.

If I wasn't happily married...