Don't you just HATE when you know something, but something in your head is convinced that you must be wrong, so you go against everything in your body and say the answer you know is wrong, but you manage to convince yourself it may be right. Well, I did that today. I read an EKG ALL WRONG, and I know better, dammit. I know fucking better than that. C'mon. You gotta step up to the plate. This ain't the bush leagues no more.
It's funny when I work out. My workout is an exercise in self-deprecation. It's all, 'What are you doing? Get this fucking weight up. Get it up. You're a wimp. You're a piece of shit. You're nothing. You're small time. Get that FUCKING weight up.' I've only lost 3 lbs since the end of surgery. That's 3 lbs in 3 months, but I'll tell you what, I'm probably as healthy as I've ever been in my life. I feel like a million dollars. I feel like I'm finally not a hypocrite when I tell my patients to eat healthy and exercise.
I have never had so much fun as I have had in the past couple weeks teaching 3rd years. I can't think of anything that has thrilled me as much as teaching someone about medicine. What a wonderful reward it is that one cannot help someone else without helping oneself. If ever I had a goal in life, it's academic medicine. The doctors I've worked with tell me that I'm an oddity. Who wants to do general internal medicine in an academic setting? That's nuts. And moreover, I don't want the research, but I want to teach! I must be crazy. Well, folks, if crazy is teaching and loving it, then crazy I am.
I have some friends that tell me that they'd like someone like me as their primary care doctor. I find that amusing, because that's a pretty awesome responsibility. However, I certainly can understand what they're saying, because I think the same thing about some people that I know. I think, wow, it doesn't matter if they're not the smartest or best. They've got the drive. They've got the talent to be a fantastic doctor. They've got the heart to do this for all the right reasons. I think if I had to choose a new primary care doc from the guys in my class, it'd be a pretty easy choice.
I read through my evaluations from my medicine rotation, and I felt good because I felt that all the evaluations were pretty thoughtful. I know this because they all gave me high marks in professionalism and rapport. It's true. I'm not the smartest. I don't do a good job with data collection. I don't always think things through. But I'll tell you what. Every single one of my patients recognize me, know what service I'm working on, and aren't surprised when we come by to round. They all know more about their conditions than when they came in, and I still remember most of my interesting patients by name. Now, I just got to get that whole diagnosis and treatment stuff down...