I was listening to This American Life last week, and the episode was about break ups. It was a strange and amusing episode to listen to, and I know that I have felt the same way at times, but it seems like when we talk about break ups, it’s usually the perspective of the dumpee rather than the dumper. It is the dumpee who is all alone, pining for a nonexistent future.
I can certainly sympathize with the dumpee, seeing as that has been my station in life. Being dumped sucks, and after the last time, I have no desire to go through that again. It is all about being hurt, tossed about like in the wake of a passing ship, and while the dumper is getting on with life, the dumpee is stuck in a continual relationship post-game report.
You know, after a football game, the commentators all sit together and break down the game play by play, finding all the faults and mistakes and errors. “In the 2nd quarter, he was far too clingy and came off as desperate. In the playback, you can see he was doing a LOT of hand holding. I think that this is where the momentum turned.” You get the idea. Maybe you even know what I’m talking about. And inevitably, a sick kind of hypothetical game comes up. Maybe if I did this, it would’ve been different. Maybe if I was better about that...
The sick twist to being dumped is that your own self-worth goes in the toilet. Here this person whom you loved and respected has determined you are unlovable, and so that becomes your own self-image, that you actually deserved this, because who could love you? It takes a long time to get back to even keel, and you dream of the day when everything stings a little less.
I for one am sick of this mental torture. I do not want to ever find myself in that place again, full of anguish and self-pity, tortured by the echo of love. I think that if I am in a relationship I see going downhill, next time I will be the dumper. I will be the one to cut my losses, rather than the one left stumbling in the dark.
I am not a mean person, and I don't relish the thought of hurting other people, but it is an issue of self-preservation. A person can only stand so much heartache in a lifetime, and I've had more than enough.
4 comments:
break up are never fun from either perspective....
Sometimes "dumpers" break up because they are truly unhappy in the relationship, in fact, they are trying hard to love the future "dumpee" but it's just not working for one reason or another. Some relationships progress too far when two people are just not meant to be together. This was my situation when I had to break up with someone. The dumpee is not necesserily unlovable.
I recently got dumped by an M2. Our summer relationship was magical for us both, but she didn't want to feel like she was neglecting both school and a relationship, so she choose school :/ She said I deserved better. It sucks because I really liked her...more than she'll know.
Being the dumper doesn't necessarily mean one walks away any easier... Yes being the dumper gives you some sort of "power" but it's a very unsettling one, it's never easy hurting someone whom you thought you once loved. There's a lot of guilt involved, and one DOES wonder "what if" too: "what if I tried harder, stuck it out longer"... But like Anonymous #1 said, often it's already progressed too far even if we weren't meant to be together. Anyway... just don't think that the dumpers always have it easy. We don't necessarily feel like the prime examples of human beings when we break up with someone.
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