My life is one big regret

The problem with regrets is that they keep working backwards. I can regret eating an ice cream cone for dinner, but then it keeps working itself backwards, and eventually I end up regretting not staying in town for residency, regretting that whole sorrowful time during 2nd year, regretting 1st year and all those stupid attempts to change myself, regretting leaving my college friends and going to med school, regretting that whole sordid relationship mess, regretting going to the college I did, regretting moving to the Midwest in the first place... and it keeps going on and on, and eventually, I end up at the age of five, on a snowy hill in a park in the Northeast.

I was so happy. I had my Freezy Freakies with the jet airplanes on them. I ran everywhere; I was so eager to get there that I had to go as fast as I could. And I think to myself that the only regret of my life, the original regret from which they all stem, is one that I had no control over. I wish my parents had not gotten divorced. I wish that we were still a family. I wish that those winters sledding in the park were the rule and not the exception.

I wish that I never had any reason to move to the Midwest, and maybe worked up the courage to ask out that one girl in the row next to me who always was so flirty with me. Maybe we'd go out, and that would turn into something more, and maybe we'd end up married, have some kids, and live in Manhattan, and visit my parents every few weeks.

They'd go crazy over the grandchildren. My mom would be all over them, and my dad would try to teach them something far above their comprehension. And I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what a family is. I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life trying to find intimacy with another human being.

The problem is that when you go that far back, you stand a good chance of entirely changing whom you'd become. I wouldn't be the same person that I am now. I wouldn't have all the close friends that I do. I wouldn't have a lot of things, but I think I'd trade it all. And I doubt any of you can understand how entirely scared I am to leave here. I don't want to move again. I don't want to leave anymore. This is the only home I have; I don't want to give it up.

And all I really want is someone to tell me that it'll all work out in the end. All this moving and worrying and new beginnings, it'll all come up roses. 'This is the second act. Second acts are always full of anguish and tribulation. But it'll all work out in the end.' That's all I'm asking for. It'll be nice to have a new city, new people, new surroundings. I can start fresh. But you see, I never wanted a fresh start. I appreciate it, but it was not what I wanted. I wanted another chance at an old start.


Patton said...

Wow, all I can say is wow. You are a true inspiration to me. I have read so many of your postings and it seems we have struggled with many of the same issues regarding: friends, family, decisions, relationships, school, career interests. Its interesting how humans search for common ground and reasons for companionship, but some, like myself, are terrified of taking that first step to experience something new. Ever aware of how you were wronged or pained in the past by reaching outside of the: black, empty, safe, lonely, secure, distant, and terrifyingly comfortable abyss that only you occupy. Then you constantly reflect on your life experiences and regret never taking advantage of those opportunities....whats the definition of insanity?

The only thing in this life that has brought me to tears more than once is my frustration with those around me. I desire so intensely to find friendship that is not transparent, shallow, judgmental, selfish, foolish,impatient, or short lived . Every attempt to reach out of my safe abyss generally results in me regretting my efforts. People lack morality, honesty, and loyalty. So, I sit banging my head over and over again. When will I break through....or decide to give up and invest in pursuits with a higher probability of preferred results. How many pieces of evidence is needed to convince myself that society and the individuals that compose it are grossly overrated. I sometimes wish I never tasted how sweet friendship can be.

Penguin said...

On the one hand, I understand where you're coming from. My parents divorced, and my family is broken on both sides, in every angle. However, you shouldn't dwell so much on these things. I'm still young, but even I know that moping solves nothing. Feeling sorry for yourself is alright once in a while, but when it becomes a theme, you need to kick yourself in the butt and hop to it. Get a life. Make yourself happy, even if it's fake. In the end, if you look for the opportunities to be happy, you'll get there.

It breaks my heart when people are so cynical about life because so many people focus on the negative. Jobs, problems, money, none of that is important. What is important is what is right in front of you. Both of your parents are still alive. You're still young. Let down the walls and find someone if you're lonely. You'll get hurt, but love is an investment. You get broken, then move on until you find someone that has some glue.

You don't have to change who you are. If you're just naturally pessimistic, then that's fine, but if you're truly as unhappy as you seem, maybe it's time for an attitude makeover.

If you want to accomplish anything in life, you have to drive yourself to do it. That means you've got to kick your own ass. Hard.

I don't expect you to publish this comment, but I wanted to repay you for your insight with a bit of mine. Whether you listen or not is your choice. =] Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll find what you're looking for.

incidental findings said...

Penguin - one of the truly painful things in life is when you realize that everything you have done has been tainted by just one event. And this is the post where I figured that out.