The thought occurred to me that I may be single for the rest of my life. This has actually been invaluable. I thought the whole point of being okay with myself was that this realization shouldn't scare me as much as it does. I have to admit, it scares the shit out of me, because it sort of infringes upon one of the two things I'd like to do before I die. We were talking one day about things that we'd like to do before we die, and when rubber met road, I decided that only two things are really critical. Everything else, like going to the Vatican, having children, all that stuff, it was a wash. There were only really two things that I thought I absolutely had to do before I died. And the sad fact is that I've made no progress on either front.
What are these two things? What the hell, I'm in a sharing mood. (1) I'd like to make a difference in someone's life, a real difference. Not some bettering the world bullshit. I'd like to have a situation where I made an honest to God difference. I can't say that's happened yet, and I doubt it'll happen any time soon. (2) I'd like to know what it's like to love someone with all your heart. Y'know, it'd be nice to have a girlfriend and all that jazz, or even to reproduce, but what I want is to know what it's like to really love someone. These are the only two things that I feel like I need to do before I die.
And I'm sure that some of my friends would say, "How can you say that you haven't made a difference?" Well, it's actually quite easy to say. And easier to believe. I really haven't. My life has been exquisitely selfish. I figure that one day, I'll take a bullet for someone, and that'll be that. As far as love, I've no fucking clue. I really have no idea what it is to love. It's an entirely meaningless word to me. I'd like to know what love is, not lust or crushes or infatuation or friendship or obsession or any of that shit. Balls to the wall 100% love. I haven't the faintest.