I saw some people that I haven't seen since high school, and it was a little bizarre, and very uncomfortable. All that growth and personal discovery and becoming a man stuff, that all seemed to go in the shitter, and I felt like a pimply teenager again, with all the same uncertainties, fears...

And it's hard not to think about how it seems like everyone I know from back then has had so much personal growth. They're married, they have kids, they own homes and have jobs and all that stuff, and it seems like I've sacrificed so much going the route that I did.

And yes, I've got a BS. Yes, I've got an MD. Yes, I'm in residency and looking at a future in internal medicine. There's no way that I can deny that I am an adult, through and through.

A few years back, I met up with a girl whom I had not seen in nearly a decade. It was like old times, and we reminisced. We felt young again for a few hours, but all those feelings that I had for her back then, a silly, little crush that smoldered for ten years, those feelings hurt, and I felt miserable rather than happy.

Seeing all these people from my past, it ends up being a little painful, seeing all the things in my life that I've passed up.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I often feel the same way - like everyone else is so put together and they've achieved so many of those life milestones compared to me. What you have to remember (and as an MD, you have greater insight into this than many) is that what you see on the exterior is not always truely reflecting the interior. So while a couple look happy, who knows if one is having an affair, or they are battling infertility. You see someone so composed at their place of employment, but maybe they're bored stiff or desperately wishing they could quit if it weren't for their pension. You see people who are beautiful on the outside but who have no self-esteem, or who are plain old boring. Remembering these things doesn't necessarily make you feel better, but some perspective doesn't hurt, right?