tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10003856.post7783251497997546422..comments2023-08-08T20:33:36.701-05:00Comments on Incidental findings: Survivor's guiltincidental findingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13555979339487207044noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10003856.post-23407966919170101792014-10-21T07:41:10.445-05:002014-10-21T07:41:10.445-05:00Hey Buddy,
I'm an ex-leukaemia patient, I was...Hey Buddy,<br /><br />I'm an ex-leukaemia patient, I was diagnosed at 17, and am now studying medicine, while writing about my experiences on both sides of the table too.<br /><br />Though I'm not practicing yet, I'm only in 2nd year (in Australia - we can go from high school, at 18, into undergrad courses), through my writing and speaking about my experiences, I often talk to and help other cancer patients. A lot of them have passed away too. <br /><br />But one I got really close to. He was around my age at diagnosis, then his non-hodgekins relapsed 4 - 5 years alter and he went in for a BMT. I gave him tips for getting through it all, I talked to him about how I took a step back and focused on what I could control, rather than all those things I couldn't, and after talking to him, I got him to realise what I did - that you always have a choice on how you view things; no matter how tough the situation. I kept reinforcing that through his treatment, and he stayed that way through it.<br /><br />But then he passed away suddenly. <br /><br />For a long while - I was stuck in a pit, asking "Why Him?" of all people... and without even realising it - I was questioning everything... if what I'd done had helped him... whether I was making a difference to people's lives... whether there was a point in continuing to fight on and live (with my condition - it would DEFINITELY have been much easier to slip away... that's for sure). <br /><br />After a while of that though - i talked about my feelings, and the person I talked to was my father. After a while - he told me this. That I needed to step back, and realise that I couldn't do it all. That I'm still helping people, and will still do so in the long run... if I looked after myself first. <br /><br />Hearing those words allowed me to take my own advice - so I took a step back and looked at what I was doing and questioned WHY I was beating myself up over it. And that's when I realised that all that depression, the anger, the sense of hopelessness was coming from me. That I had a choice on how I viewed it. I still didn't see any reason to look at it any other way though... until I started questioning WHY I was sad and beating myself up. And when I did that - I realised that in the end Paul would've wanted me to be happy... and that he wasn't gone - and that the best way I could honour him would be to learn off him and what he'd taught me. To smile where I could, as he did. To not be too hard on myself; that I should take care of myself. And to always remember - when it feels like the changes I'm making are insignificant, when it feels like there's no real purpose to life - that, when I felt that way - I'd remind myself that even if all I was doing was making my small corner of the world, the lives of 1 or 2 people better; then that was still HEAPS. <br /><br />At the time - i couldn't see anything else but his suffering and pain. And when I went into clinical depression after that - the only thing that got me to a point where I could get out of it was talking to someone. I am happy to be that someone for you if you wish mate - I've been through similar things. I know they're not the same. I know after a while, seeing that so much does overwhelm you. But I want you to remember what I learnt from all of this. Rule number 1 of medicine - men and women die. Rule number 2 - doctors can't change rule number 1. <br /><br />But we can still delay it for those who want to keep going. We can still make their final days better - for those who won't. And it's those lives, and that impact that we should focus on. <br /><br />http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/dealing-with-loss-survivors-guilt.htmlNikhil Autarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com